Thinking.....

There has been a lot of talk lately about why some people are chosen to walk a certain path. I am not sure that is exactly how I mean to word it though. It has been a topic in blogs and in real life. I think the hand we are dealt, so to speak, is a way to bring about growth of character. I was speaking with some people today about fertility stuff. One couple is in the middle of going through an adoption process after years of trying. They are very happy and at peace with that. They feel that is where God is leading them. I commend the faith they have had through their long struggle. The other person I was talking to has 1 child. The child will be an only child and they are completely ok with that. There are of course the "well meaning" family members who have their opinions about only children. Just as there are some "well meaning" family members who give opinions if you have more than two children. Of course my situation was different because our infertility came up after we already had 3 children. I said their peace and faith was a great thing because my walk/path was filled with bitterness. I hated hearing of pregnant women, especially those that were a shock. I hated seeing and hearing babies cry. When I would hear of a newly pregnant person, I would often cry all the way home. Both women knew exactly what I was talking about. Infertility is one of those things that many women suffer through alone. I spent a lot of time in a dark hole of hatred, anger, hurt, and bitterness. Those that followed my previous blog remember my rants and tears. A few months before I got pregnant, I started to come out of that hole. I started realizing that God was great, no matter what. I started walking in faith that He was in control. I prayed everyday...several times, for the pain of wanting that baby to go away and be replaced with joy. Over those three months, I started smiling again when I saw pregnant people. I even had it in me to hold a newborn baby AND I didn't cry. Sure, I still had some low moments, but they didn't fill every day. I was finally in a place where I thought I might be ok if I would never have another baby. Well, about a week later I got the shock of my life! We had been done with tests and fertility drugs for about 3 months, so Hannah was a God thing, not a drug thing! I have no idea why God chose me to walk through that path and I may never know. I do wish I walked with more grace than I did, but I can't change the past. I think I am finally at a place where I am ok. I am completely satisfied with my family. I love them dearly. We have a great family dynamic right now. [I can't believe I am going to type this because I have some "well meaning" family memebers that might read.] Marc....my dear sweet husband who had to be talked into number 3 and really worked on for number 4 wouldn't mind if we had another. I am not sure how I feel about this and realistically we know it is probably not possible anyway. I am at peace with my family, sure I wouldn't mind another, but if we never have anymore...I am fine. Marc really wants to leave it all up to God. He feels like if we are supposed to have another, we will. If not, then we won't. For once, I am not in that place and not to the point where Marc is. He is ok with that. I don't know how this has gone from "paths" to this. I just felt like this was all something I needed to say for some reason. I think some of my friends..in real life and my internet friends...have been on my mind a lot lately. I really wish I had words I could say to help, but only God knows the right words that can be a comfort. There IS a reason for your struggle. Maybe down the road you will be able to help someone else...I don't know. Just know that you are loved and you are prayed for. I pray for there to be no bitterness because I know it can eat you up. It is a hard place to come out of and I personally don't think you can come out of it without God. Walk in faith and be showered with grace only God can give you.



Now from a deep moment to something funny. I know some of you have seen this, but not everyone. Caleb has a crush on our neighbor who is Samantha's friend. He says he "loves" her. She stayed over a few times this past week during VBS. Well, one day Caleb decided to try and kiss her. I got it on video! If you pause the playlist music you can hear his kiss sounds and see his kissy lips. Don't worry...I did talk to him later about not chasing girls and trying to kiss them when they don't want to be kissed.