Unfiltered vulnerability

Today's message at church was the sermon I mentioned on infertility. It was very good. Before I go into it though I want you to understand that this is going to be an unfiltered from the heart post. I have blogged before only from the heart and many times I get criticized for something that is said. If you feel that need so be it. I am going to pour myself out anyway. I just wanted you to understand that this post will most likely get posted unedited so my heart shows through.

I honestly thought I was mentally prepared for today. Just in case I do have any new readers, Marc and I were told we could not have anymore kids. All tests showed up as infertile, not even subfertile...infertile. I remember reading those words off the doctors chart. My first thought was NO WAY...I already have 3 kids. The doctor then asked if all 3 were Marc's because it just didn't seem possible (for the record, they ARE his!) I don't think I fully grasped those words at that time. We already had Caleb (Josh and Samantha), but I had a plan. I wanted a close age gap, just like Josh and Samantha. I remember having this feeling though. I told Marc one day when Caleb was about 5 months old that I just felt like we were going to have problems. At the time he was still unsure about baby #4, but I was on a mission. We talked about it a lot and decided to start trying earlier than planned. Months went by and I still had this nagging feeling. At my yearly I talked to my doctor about it, but it hadn't been 12 months yet, so he told me to keep trying and call him back. Of course the day of the 12 month mark I called him back. He referred us to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist aka--fertility specialist). The test journey began. Then we got the "infertile" diagnosis. I think all along I just knew in my heart that it was it.

Then we(I) began our journey trying to have a baby with help. It felt like the loneliest journey of my life. Who could I talk to? I did reach out to someone who promptly told me to just be happy with the kids I had. It probably wouldn't be so bad, but it was said in a just shut up and do it kind of way. Every negative test drew me further away from the rest of the world. I sunk into my own hole of hopelessness. I still had no one to turn to. Quite a few people thought we should have stopped after having our boy and girl, so I felt like I would get no support from anyone if they knew we were struggling with baby 4. The very few times I broke down and shared my struggle, those feelings were confirmed. I was hurt, angry, and alone...at least I felt alone. I could not enjoy anything, including the 3 wonderful kids I already had. I was consumed with this void. Each month got worse. I remember sitting in bed crying all day after the doctor called to tell me my tests were negative. I broke down one night while doing laundry. Somehow a newborn baby sock ended up in the laundry pile I was folding and seeing it knowing I would never get to fold a tiny sock again started a breakdown that lasted for more than a day. Marc tried to comfort me, but it was no use. He didn't get it. He did not have the same aching that I did. I grew resentful of him. I couldn't stand to be around other people with children. I isolated myself more. I won't talk about all of the feelings that I had, but I did NOT walk this journey with grace. I was too hurt and angry. I was consumed!

December 2005 was a turning point. Our insurance didn't cover anything, so all the tests, labs, ultrasounds, shots, and other meds were coming out of our pockets. I was leading us down a path that eventually we would not have recovered from. It was a perfect month. I had 2 perfect eggs and 2 more that looked good. I got a shot to release all of them, then we tried. It was a job...a project, it had to be done. December 23 I got the call that it didn't work. Possibly 4 eggs just there ready and it didn't work. I lost it. I was done. There was no one or anything that could fix this and make this better. At that point I knew I just couldn't do it anymore. I had quit living. As soon as my alarm went off in the morning I was taking my temperature. I frequently bought out the Dollar Tree's supply of tests. My days were consumed with emptiness. Christmas day that year I told Marc I just couldn't do it anymore. I would have to accept not having another child. Admitting those words did not make it easier though. I still hated seeing babies and pregnant people, but I was slowly coming out of the pit. Little by little I started to enjoy life more...it was a challenge. I was good at putting on the smile so no one would know my deep pain. No one seemed to understand anyway. Finally, the good days started to outnumber the bad. I was coming to terms with being a mom to 3 instead of 4. It was hard and still I felt like I had no one. I did have a few friends who were struggling, but at the time they didn't have ANY kids, so how could I ask for their support and prayers. I just felt wrong and cruel. In March 2006 we went to Disney World. It was on that trip that I decided to just live. I was happy. I had come to terms with no more babies. I was ok. We were going to be ok. I was happy again.

Skip ahead to April 2006. It had been 19 or 20 months since we had started on our baby journey. Even though I had come to terms with our infertility, I still had that feeling in the back of my mind. It was the what if game. It did not consume me though. We went on with life, not worrying about what cycle day it was or any of the other little details. Well Easter weekend came and I was exhausted! I mean literally can't pick yourself up off the couch exhausted. What was wrong with me? I do not get that tired. I picked myself up off the couch and found ONE dollar tree test. I took it and it was positive. I was in a state of shock and disbelief. The RE told us the only way we could get pregnant was through IVF with sperm selection. Less than 2% of Marc's swimmers were any good. Hannah is that good swimmer! You can scroll back to the beginning of this blog to see the raw emotion after I got the positive test.

Of course then came the time to break the news. I can not tell you how many "don't you know what causes that" remarks I got. I mean come on, I know you are trying to be funny, but I had just spent almost 20 months of my life trying to cause "that". That is the most insensitive remark anyone could ever make! It felt like my dream was finally realized, but no one was happy for me. I finally hit a breaking point with that comment. One day I shot back with "yes I do, but the doctor said we didn't work. Medicine didn't work either. 20 months of trying to cause "that" produced nothing." I was frustrated to the point of anger. I refrained from saying anything else, but I could have gone on and on. I had 20 months of held back anger and frustration. I had 20 months of a horrible secret. I had 20 months of pain and heartbreak. Let me be joyful!

Anyway, back to today. The sermon was good. I was near tears during the interview with an "infertile couple" at the beginning. I didn't realize all of MY feelings were still there. I felt a flood of emotion and oh yeah I remember that feeling as Pastor Greg spoke. My heart was breaking all over again, this time not for me though. My heart was breaking for those in the room who are walking the journey of infertility. Those couples who were being tested to the point of breaking. Those who are running to the Father with their hurts, hopes and dreams. I had a few specific people on my mind and was silently praying for them. At the end of the sermon Pastor Greg opened the prayer rails for those who are struggling and those who wanted to pray on behalf of someone else. I couldn't leave my seat fast enough. I was there praying for a few people. I had a flood of tears I didn't realize were there. Then a couple came to pray next to me. This woman (I know who she is, just not her name) was sobbing. It was a very heartbreaking uncontrollable cry. She had some intercessors come up behind her and pray. My heart broke in a way I didn't know it could. I was pouring out my heart and tears for her and others I know who so badly want children. I was shedding tears for people I didn't know in a way I didn't know I could. I know there are no words I can say that will help the pain and that hurts. I want to help. I cried and I prayed. I left church and I cried some more. I feel raw and broken....not in a bad way, just a hard to explain way. You know as Christians we often ask God to break our hearts for our city...or our leaders. It prompts us to pray and move into action. Today my heart was broken for these couples. God has never broken my heart like this before. The emotion that I feel for others is indescribable. I want to be in prayer. I want to move to action. I just want!