All over the place...

Not really sure what to call this one. It will be all over the place, but aren't all my blogs? By now you should know that I am no english major and writing is not one of my strengths. I am a math and science kind of girl. Give me DNA and bacteria to study any day over writing and I am good.

Anyway, have you ever felt lead to just get on your face and pray? I have felt urged to pray before for people just kind of out of the blue, but nothing like this! Let's see if I can give some background before I sound too looney. For those of you that don't know, I went to a private Christian school from 2nd grade until I graduated. I did not regularly attend church. My dad would go sometimes when it was his weekend, but my mom did not take us (us being my brother and I). I feel like I was truly blessed to be at the school I was in. Sure, there were far superior schools when it came to private education, but that is not what I needed. I did great in school, so there was no problem there. In high school I started struggling, just like most teens do. I struggled with depression, body image and some other things. There was a few events that were tragic and took its toll on me emotionally and spiritually. By the end of my senior year I was mad at God. I knew he loved me, but I felt alone. I wasn't living a life I should have been. Many of my teachers knew. They prayed for me. The wrote prayers for me in my yearbooks. I even had a few pull me aside and lay into me. In reality, I could have gotten kicked out of school if this particular teacher informed others of what was going on. Then again, I think they already knew. Over time I have thanked a few of those teachers and they never had any idea what kind of impact they had on me. For some reason the last few days all of this has been flooding back to me. I feel like God is trying to tell me something. I feel like I should be doing something to help other teens that are struggling with some of the issues that I was facing. Then I think no, maybe I am just supposed to find a way to thank a few of the people who helped me through. This is something I have been struggling with for a few days. I just don't have a clue what I am supposed to do. It is like a song that gets stuck in your head that you can't get out. It was on my mind before I ran. I got into my run and the music...and the fact that a week off makes you slower. As soon as I finished my run, before I even turned off my ipod, it was on my mind again. The radio was on in the car on my way home, but I don't really think I heard it. It was actually Roger Cullins new cd...sorry Roj. Roger's cd is awesome! I get into my hood and start to think maybe I am just being emotional; maybe it is PMS or something. THEN this song...it is actually one of my new favorite songs came on the radio. I couldn't find it on playlist, but here it is on YouTube.

I am not lying when I say the waterworks started to flow and you guys know that is NOT like me. I listened to the whole song and came in to take a shower. Sure, it is November, but it is still Texas so I was gross after my run. I am telling you I barely made it out of the shower before I just had to get on my face and pray. I have never felt anything like that before. It was as if I had to hurry up or I was going to end up on the floor of the shower. That just sounds so crazy to me...probably to you also. I still have no idea why though. I know my ministry is my children. I do not want them to have to go through things that I did. I don't want them to ever be called a hypocrite either. I know they will be though. Some people just have this view that all Christians are hypocrites. We have the same struggles everyone else does though and most of us do not claim to be perfect. I try very hard not to judge others because in God's eyes a sin is a sin, doesn't matter how big or how small. I want my kids to show love for everyone, yet be able to stand up for what is right but do it lovingly, not in anger. Everyone has issues and problems it doesn't matter who you are. The most put together people are struggling with something! Right now, I feel like I should be doing more. Not just "going through the motions". I have no idea what though. I am the kind of person that God needs to hit over the head with a 2X4 because I am clueless. I prayed for clarity and for God to send someone in my path that might be able to unscramble the goo in my head. I just feel like I am supposed to be doing more and by more I mean something more that will glorify him. AND if you are one of those people that is supposed to unscramble and help my find my way, please, speak up!
If you actually read all this, thank you. It is more me "talking" to myself, trying to make things make sense to me right now.
I removed the playlist so you can listen to the youtube song. I will put it back next time I update.