It is real...right?

I don't know if it was the struggle to get pregnant and then the fact that we were told it wouldn't happen or what. Maybe it is just that I don't have the time I had when I was pregnant with Josh to just sit and enjoy it. Maybe it is just because I am older, I don't know. I know I am pregnant, I feel her move all the time; I am growing and I feel uncomfortable a lot, so that is not really the problem. When I found out, I was terrified to say anything. I was afraid something would happen, since we weren't supposed to get pg anyway. I couldn't really just be happy with being pg because of the worry. I AM happy to be pg, but still worried. Not so much about miscarriage anymore, but cord accidents, still birth, SIDS, etc. I feel like it is hard to get elated over being pg because of this fear. Maybe it is because if something happens I know realistically there is not much of a chance to get pg again. Actually, that seems to make a lot of sense...at least to me. It is like I won't let myself accept it, because I couldn't bear to lose it. Of course, typing it out it sounds kinda stupid. You know I prayed everyday the same prayer. I prayed that if it was God's will for me to have another baby for me to get pg, if not to make that hurt, ache, and desire go away so I could be happy and enjoy the life and blessings that I have.

I just really want to be able to sit and enjoy being pg. I know...yeah right! Everyone knows I am not normally a happy pg person. For me pg just hurts too much, makes delivery seem like a piece of cake. Of course I should probably bite my tongue about that one and find some wood to knock on.


Anyway...the pg is going along normally. I am uncomfortable, have back pain, the pubic bone pain is starting, and I am still really tired. I am so anxious for December to get here so I can hold our little baby girl. I want to see the kids reactions when they first see her. I am sure they will just melt my heart. Caleb might be a little upset, he enjoys having his mom all to himself while the other 2 are at school. He just wanted to cuddle today; although, it does make it hard to get some things done. Oh well, the things can wait. How much longer will he like cuddling with him mommy.